Lets look at just how many chances these abominations had to be terminated before completion.
Think about the steps:
1. Concept and Story - If all you know is that you want to make a really big version of something that could be scary in real life, you're not alone. Apparently this is the template that many of these directors regularly use. "A giant _________ is created in an experiment (or found in a glacier) and it threatens Earth."
2. Storyboarding - Ideally less painful than water-boarding. I said "ideally." Moving on.
3. Assemble a Crew - When finding people to make YOUR movie with you, find dim-witted or likeminded people who rarely question authority. Even for little or no pay. Chances are all they will get out of this is their name in the credit roll that will never be seen... because no one will pay to see this hunk-o-junk.
4. Cast the Film - From my viewing experience you probably want a dated pop-star. If not, find someone who resides in the "Who the frig is that?!" or "I did a project in grade 3 about their death" categories. Keep in mind you cannot pay these people very much and they have to agree to the script.
5. Scout Locations (or Dress Your Sets) - Forget destination shoots right now. Your new best friend is stock footage, so get used to repeating the phrase "Close enough."
**At this point if absolutely nobody has voiced their opinion of your big fat stinker, you're either paying them too much or they are all just as tasteless as you are. Well done!
6. Film It! - A long and expensive process. Acts filled with scenes. Scenes filled with shots. All filled with your hot liquid content and ridiculous dialogue. Are we still making this thing?!
7. Edit It - A teacher of mine once called this "Polishing the Turd" Polish it with as much repeated stock footage and low budget CGI (computer-generated imagery, duhh). When I say repeated footage, DO NOT SKIMP. Who could notice? It's not like anyone is ever going to actually see this, right?
8. Add Sound Effects and Music - Now you could set up a studio and do all your own foleying (sound effects), but that would be expensive. Nope, for you it's all free online archives. Who cares if the sounds make peoples' eardrums bleed when they turn the volume way up because the dialogue volume is so low? How important is dialogue in this movie anyways?
And hey! If you were able to snag an old washed up pop-star, I bet they'd love to sing a song on top of their steaming performance.
9. Create the Title and Credits Sequence - Your final basic step of post-production. Just like your future career in filmmaking; done.
Congratulations! You have successfully created a massive failure. Not just creatively and aesthetically but financially too! Watch out B, we've got a real Triple Threat!
Fortunately for you, I really enjoy these sorts of movies and will continue to watch as many as I can before my eyes crawl out of my head and flush themselves down the toilet while I sleep.
Reviews to come: Frogs (1972), Mega Piranha (2010), Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010), Creature (2011), and so many more...
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