"It was the HOUSE." And Norm was there too.

*This instalment was written as I watched the movie, not after the fact. Let's see how it goes!

When Roger's aunt (pronounced 'ont') dies in a massive and unnecessary house, alone, he inherits the HOUSE. This is PERFECT for Roger because he's an author and requires total solitude to write.

Yay for dead aunts!

** spoiler alert ** she hangs herself. Just couldn't wait for the cold clutches of a natural death even though she was like a billion years old. Not so Yay!

Anyways, Roger is an x-soldier who served in Vietnam, returned, and wrote a successful novel. His second book is going to be about his accounts of the war but he despite the frequent flashbacks he never gets any writing done... damn stupid ghosts - or zombies - or whatever.

This isn't the first time he's stayed at (the) HOUSE and he used to be married to a very successful actress. Way to go Roger! Oh wait... he got divorced after he lost his son in a pool and the body was never found. Yikes. Should have called this movie POOL. Gold.

By the way, with regards to the Norm in the title, I'm referring to this man:

George Wendt

George is the neighbour to (the) HOUSE and is just too well known to be in a movie like this. Quite frankly, it's distracting. Although, not remotely as distracting as the soundtrack to this bizarre and zigzagged plot. I have no words to describe it except for cragslippy... and I'm 94% sure I just made that word up. Okay, 95%.

At times the plot has glimmers of a thought. An example being the problems a war veteran faces once he comes home. But then the weird ghost/troll/woman shows up and you remember just what you signed up to watch. HOUSE!

Cue the low-budget Vietnam flashbacks again! Nailed it.

PLOT DEVELOPMENT! Sort of... in a flashback he is unable to kill his jerk-hole friend before that friend is taken by Charlie (army lingo = cool) and tortured to death. This is the reason his old squad member has been haunting the house and made the aunt commit suicide and took Roger's son and... wait. What?! This ghost of an old fallen comrade planned an elaborate "long-con" haunting?
A Long-Haunt? Really? If I were a ghost/zombie/soldier, I think I'd be more into the immediate retribution but that's just me, I suppose.
Sure, take his son or whatever but he just kept him in a cage in another dimension or something.
The son is retrieved and the bad guy is thrown off a cliff which is a part of (the) HOUSE. Following?

He comes right back and grabs the kid again. Psych!

If you feel at all confused by this post you're still better off than me... it's 2:15 am and I don't even know how I'm going to proofread this other than 'not-at-all.'

My favourite scene (or shot), by far, is the very end. It involves a hand grenade, a silly obvious realization, Roger, his son - who lives, his ex-wife, a station wagon taxicab, and a million dollar smile/pose. Squeaky. Just really squeak. Roll credits.

If you plan on watching this entire movie, plan on a high level of confusion and at times thinking, 

"Hmm, maybe this movie won't be as bad as I thought."     

But rest assured IT IS. On second thought, just don't watch it. (Watch the last 2 minutes)

You know what? GO FOR IT. 

Just make sure you don't accidentally get sucked into a series about a doctor guy with a cane and a bunch of diseases and a fake american accent. Or maybe he doesn't have diseases or its all in his head or he is just really lucky ar he IS really smart or whatever, who cares? Night!

And lastly, if a friend ever asks you to kill them during a war in Vietnam before the enemy can get them because they really cant do it themselves (?), be a good friend and DO IT. Jerk.

10,000 reasons to re-write and 90 minutes to do it.

Spoiler Alert! If you are intending to watch these films for their content and plot-lines, you will be disappointed. I'm going to go ahead and guarantee that now.
To watch these movies from start to finish you must forget that good filmmakers exist completely. Simply immerse yourself in the inconsistencies of the story and unnecessary gore and nudity.
Experience-enhancing substances are recommended.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror does not even register as a real movie to most.
*Don't edit your next film using the steady-cam you shot it on!

As a film with a ridiculously low budget ($10,000), it really should not be distributed.
American Netflix, for shame.

But, seeing as it has an IMDB rating of 1.9 and IS on American Netflix, it finds itself to be the first victim of this blog. And so, it begins.

First of all, the acting is terrible.
There are two main characters in the entire film and they are about as developed as a six year old boy.

Rod is a part of a software company. Or something. He sells things on a phone. One day he makes a million dollar deal, which would be quite impressive except for the fact that he offers his client a 50% discount. Now, I'm no math-surgeon but last time I checked, if 50% is 1 million dollars, he's given them  A MILLION DOLLARS OFF. So... theres that.

Next we meet Nathalie. She's an attractive blonde model (original!) who has inexplicably landed a job as a Victoria's Secret model. The cover model. Her resulting level of excitement: Moderate.
(Like when you got a B- on a test.)

Rod and Nathalie have a trivial past, as they attended the same high school. Isn't that squeak?

Now, incase you thought that Rod's 50% deal was his financial highlight of the film, you are so wrong.
As we learn in a board meeting with the few employees of this software company, they have just been bought out for a billion dollars! Yep, a billion. And yet again, the level of excitement: Moderate.

*Confused about the lack of birds? Wait!  Birdemic: Shock and Terror does not reveal the nasty multitude of villains until at least halfway through this colossal letdown. After our two love-birds check into a sleazy motel and Nat gets down to her undies.
**I did wonder if they were in fact Vicky's Secret but ultimately it doesn't matter. Just like this movie!

Moving on.

With no explanation at all, the birds begin to attack. And apart from the exploding birds that appear at the gas station, the level of danger: Moderate.
Apparently all you need in this situation, should it eventually occur, are coat-hangers and a Chevy Astro with a couple guns in the trunk. (As seen in the clip)
Consider yourself forewarned...

Now, if you're expecting a major twist in the plot, you shall be left wanting. The closest we come is an old dude on a beach that has figured out that the birds are apparently eco-warriors battling humankind over climate change? They're totally friendly if you refrain from using any technology? Hmm... ya right, they probably just want to drive that guys rockin' Chevy Astro and pick up chicks. #birdpuns

Oh ya, it's only 90 minutes and it just ends. So... there's that too.

Overall I would recommend that you never watch this movie. Better to find a child who has made a video for a class project or something (age: unimportant) and watch it on repeat for like 90 minutes straight. Seriously.

Evidently I was too late informing the planet and they went ahead and made a sequel.
Please stay tuned for the release of Birdemic 2: The Resurrection later this year (2013).
Double Seriously.

Now I'm going to go fold all my shirts and free up some bird-murderin' coat-hangers.
I suggest you do the same.

- Uncle Ez

Welcome to my home... errr... blog.

Welcome to a blog dedicated to the monstrous turds that continually get squeezed out by people who should no longer be allowed to make films.

Lets look at just how many chances these abominations had to be terminated before completion.

Think about the steps:

1. Concept and Story - If all you know is that you want to make a really big version of something that could be scary in real life, you're not alone. Apparently this is the template that many of these directors regularly use. "A giant _________ is created in an experiment (or found in a glacier) and it threatens Earth."

2. Storyboarding - Ideally less painful than water-boarding. I said "ideally." Moving on.

3. Assemble a Crew - When finding people to make YOUR movie with you, find dim-witted or likeminded people who rarely question authority. Even for little or no pay. Chances are all they will get out of this is their name in the credit roll that will never be seen... because no one will pay to see this hunk-o-junk.

4. Cast the Film - From my viewing experience you probably want a dated pop-star. If not, find someone who resides in the "Who the frig is that?!" or "I did a project in grade 3 about their death" categories. Keep in mind you cannot pay these people very much and they have to agree to the script.

5. Scout Locations (or Dress Your Sets) - Forget destination shoots right now. Your new best friend is stock footage, so get used to repeating the phrase "Close enough."

**At this point if absolutely nobody has voiced their opinion of your big fat stinker, you're either paying them too much or they are all just as tasteless as you are. Well done!

6. Film It! - A long and expensive process. Acts filled with scenes. Scenes filled with shots. All filled with your hot liquid content and ridiculous dialogue. Are we still making this thing?!

7. Edit It - A teacher of mine once called this "Polishing the Turd" Polish it with as much repeated stock footage and low budget CGI (computer-generated imagery, duhh). When I say repeated footage, DO NOT SKIMP. Who could notice? It's not like anyone is ever going to actually see this, right?

8. Add Sound Effects and Music - Now you could set up a studio and do all your own foleying (sound effects), but that would be expensive. Nope, for you it's all free online archives. Who cares if the sounds make peoples' eardrums bleed when they turn the volume way up because the dialogue volume is so low? How important is dialogue in this movie anyways?

And hey! If you were able to snag an old washed up pop-star, I bet they'd love to sing a song on top of their steaming performance.

9. Create the Title and Credits Sequence - Your final basic step of post-production. Just like your future career in filmmaking; done.

Congratulations! You have successfully created a massive failure. Not just creatively and aesthetically but financially too! Watch out B, we've got a real Triple Threat!

Fortunately for you, I really enjoy these sorts of movies and will continue to watch as many as I can before my eyes crawl out of my head and flush themselves down the toilet while I sleep.

Reviews to come: Frogs (1972), Mega Piranha (2010), Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010), Creature (2011), and so many more...